Jealousy

This is a bit overdue, but I was going to write something about jealousy and how I've been trying to grapple with these impulses. My process came at a good time, when I've been met with problems of distance and personal space, coinciding with moving back to school and a chance to free myself from some rigidities of summer.

I moved back in to facilitate consent discussions. We were given a reader to look at, and in between articles on dating violence and behavioral patterns of sexual harassment, I found this article about jealousy and how it's rooted in the things we grow up believing about relationships. I found it a bit out of place at first in the context of sexual assault (this advice is directed to people in polyamorous relationships), but of course these things are related.

I can't write it any better than the following...

Our society is addicted to three core beliefs about relationships that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy even in the most well-adjusted people. Most of us have absorbed these beliefs without even realizing it. Identifying and dismantling these beliefs in our "heart of hearts" is the single most effective way to short-circuit jealousy. Ask yourself how much of you believes each of these three statements. Is it 90% of yourself that believes them? 50%? Notice which belief is most entrenched in your subconscious mind and which one youíve made the most progress on:

Core Belief #1

If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldn't have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else.

This belief sees any interest your partner has in anyone else as a direct reflection of how much (s)he loves you. It is a quantitative view of love which equates the amount of love with the ability to be interested in having another partner. When you break it down, this is as absurd as saying that a couple that gives birth to a second child must not love their first child or they couldn't possibly have any interest in having a second one.

Core Belief #2

If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover/etc., my partner would be so satisfied that (s)he wouldn't want to get involved with anyone else.

This belief is even more insidious. With the first belief you can at least blame it on your partner for not loving you enough. This belief says that if your partner is interested in someone else, it is your fault for not being the perfect lover or spouse and your relationship must be a failure. If you truly believe that your lover could only be interested in another partner because youíre inadequate, you can see how that will generate jealousy big time!

Core Belief #3

Itís just not possible to love more than one person at the same time.

This belief is built on the "scarcity economy of love", the belief that love is a finite resource, there is only so much to go around, and there is never enough. Therefore, if my partner gives any of her or his love to anyone else, that necessarily means that there is less for me. Because most people already feel there are some areas in their relationship where they are not getting enough of something (time, love, affection, sex, support, commitment) they are fearful that they will receive even less if their partner gets involved with additional partners.

Some of this I feel like I've known. Some of this, on the other hand, I really needed to hear, especially then. And this would be great to read and read again, even if I never choose to have more than one partner. What else could make as much sense? What else could keep us away from fear and sorrow?

But the worst thing to take away from this would be the idea that you were wrong all along, and you have to get back on track in order to do things right once and for all. It will always take serious mental work to truly believe that those you love deserve everyone else's as well. And maybe that love cannot involve you.

This is so incredibly difficult. To do this, I really think we're attempting to subvert our minds and our bodies together. Jealousy is biological. [Edit: Jealousy is learned, too.] To do this, we need to be better than human.

But all I've ever wanted to do is love a person in an eternal, transcendent, immaterial kind of way.