I grew up in more or less a prude, sans-romance family setting. The kind where mothers cover their kids' eyes when kissy scenes are on television. This was never lost on my sister and me. Even though out loud we said "ewww" to a lot of these things, we always wanted have crushes, kiss people, all those good things we'd been hearing about.
I think my first relationships were a little dangerously conducted as a result. (This is also where I stop being able to speak to my sister's experience.) The only thing to do was to carry out the motions rehearsed to us and set ourselves up for a crisis each time. So people came and went, with varying levels of acceptance from the parents. We never heard their story, how they met, how they grew close, how they came to love one another. (We know now.) We just knew to find people by ourselves, to be attentive and devoted, to give unconditionally, until personal neuroses were revealed and pain takes hold, and then quit and start over.
A few months ago, my mother found out about both of our relationships at the time. We were both about to steal away with our romantic counterparts somewhere far from home. She didn't disapprove this time, but didn't understand why we would do things like this to ourselves. It's not like you're going to marry this person, she said. Why trouble yourselves? Why put so much effort into improbabilities of sentiment and emotion? Sitting next to her, I felt silly for having grown up at all without her wisdom. Kind of sheepishly, I told her that this is how we love.
We love as if there is only one soul out there for us. We look for people as if the world is so small and so cold that it'd be wiser to hook onto the nearest body and hope mutual fascination occurs. And we risk everything for this. We love as if it's a limited resource based on functions of population, time and age. What we really can do now is to unlearn everything.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dualisms stun me
... because they're sooo true. The enlightened folks who have tried to teach us this... they were probably correct all along. To know how intimately this applies, to deep thinkers and non-spirituals alike, in every facet of experience is so real, powerful, and awesome.
When the duality of fear and love presents itself, you know which one to choose. Both are true, proud and inpenetrable. Both must exist, but you're allowed to choose one to be happy.
I could've put this more tangibly. I really could have.
In unrelated news, first comment! Aww. :)
When the duality of fear and love presents itself, you know which one to choose. Both are true, proud and inpenetrable. Both must exist, but you're allowed to choose one to be happy.
I could've put this more tangibly. I really could have.
In unrelated news, first comment! Aww. :)
Monday, February 23, 2009
Bodymarks
Lately, I had a conversation with my sister. It went like this:
- blister scar on the first segment of my left thumb. only nintendo controllers do this.
- real knee scars, still red. it's been almost three years since biking in the dolomites.
- surgery scars. i had a surgery done in third grade that should've come much earlier.
- acne scars. i had no help through puberty.
- writer's callous on my right ring finger. like my writing, it developed early, but never got very strong.
- left tibia that sticks out a little. when i was playing soccer in middle school, my knee got swollen. it was diagnosed as osgood-schlatter disease, but the inflammation has stopped. there's still a little pointy bone there.
Edit: I forgot a few, I'm sure. Perfect bite? You pay a price in having had braces. Tooth fillings? As a boy, I drank apple juice before bedtime. Terribly dry skin? I generally take bad care of myself.
Juliana just WON a game of ssb brawl. <3ing>
Davidsick game. always gives me a blister on my left thumb.
JulianaME TOO!
also, you always made me play until i blistered my left thumb. thanks.
Davidthat can only be attributed to noobdom.
Julianawe're not on speaking terms anymore.
Obviously, these marks don't just leave a physical memory. Let me give a list of the ones I have.
- blister scar on the first segment of my left thumb. only nintendo controllers do this.
- real knee scars, still red. it's been almost three years since biking in the dolomites.
- surgery scars. i had a surgery done in third grade that should've come much earlier.
- acne scars. i had no help through puberty.
- writer's callous on my right ring finger. like my writing, it developed early, but never got very strong.
- left tibia that sticks out a little. when i was playing soccer in middle school, my knee got swollen. it was diagnosed as osgood-schlatter disease, but the inflammation has stopped. there's still a little pointy bone there.
Edit: I forgot a few, I'm sure. Perfect bite? You pay a price in having had braces. Tooth fillings? As a boy, I drank apple juice before bedtime. Terribly dry skin? I generally take bad care of myself.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Just have to say...
The economy probably never got so bad until people started saying it was bad.
I know it's probably going to be heavily analyzed in the future, and all sorts of things are going to be said about it. I'll write this just for the (my, I guess) record. People probably stopped spending when they started hearing about how bad things were. Doesn't mean it wasn't going to get as bad eventually, but talking about it probably changed a lot of people's decisions.
I know it's probably going to be heavily analyzed in the future, and all sorts of things are going to be said about it. I'll write this just for the (my, I guess) record. People probably stopped spending when they started hearing about how bad things were. Doesn't mean it wasn't going to get as bad eventually, but talking about it probably changed a lot of people's decisions.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Forgetting
Ms. Williamson wrote in the book I mentioned previously that the mantra we should really be following is to let go. Okay. But letting go is a strategy that starts to smell. Isn't it relinquishing the urgency of now? Won't I lose what little I've grasped from the situation at hand? Letting go is awfully hard right now.
Letting go will feel like forgetting. I'm afraid that to relax is to not learn how I may better conduct myself. Will I suffer less in the future? Will I make the same mistakes? How long will I have to keep trying?
And ultimately, won't we all forget?
Letting go will feel like forgetting. I'm afraid that to relax is to not learn how I may better conduct myself. Will I suffer less in the future? Will I make the same mistakes? How long will I have to keep trying?
And ultimately, won't we all forget?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Reflections on A Return To Love
A few things have stuck out to me.
1. Loving feels pretty good. Giving even more than receiving.
2. Fear, indeed, is the antagonist to love. Being fearful or afraid sucks a lot.
3. Judgment is disgusting. To judge another is a sad thing.
4. Money is nothing. Not good or bad, just nothing.
5. We have a long way to go towards knowing love. And God, for that matter, though this distinction really a disguise.
After I took out this book for the first time with my family in China, my sister pounced. "Why are you reading a spiritual guidance book?" Lol. I said, "It's not really a spiritual guidance book."
1. Loving feels pretty good. Giving even more than receiving.
2. Fear, indeed, is the antagonist to love. Being fearful or afraid sucks a lot.
3. Judgment is disgusting. To judge another is a sad thing.
4. Money is nothing. Not good or bad, just nothing.
5. We have a long way to go towards knowing love. And God, for that matter, though this distinction really a disguise.
After I took out this book for the first time with my family in China, my sister pounced. "Why are you reading a spiritual guidance book?" Lol. I said, "It's not really a spiritual guidance book."
Gaza
There are few news items that have caught my heart as closely as what's going on in Gaza right now. I need to write a few thoughts about what is going on.
Since middle school, I've always kept a respectful distance from the conflict(s) from which this arises. I've always known that there are truth and there are lies, that "both sides" disseminate their fair share, and (most complacently for me) these players all share in wrongdoing. (I forgive myself by thinking that these basic levels of understanding were just a function of my awkwardness receiving a liberal UWS education.) And then, I'd say, there was college. I tried much harder to get my information promptly, to be responsibly informed.
Which is why feeling the sharp pain of an occupied people is new and pretty unusual to me.
The lack of a developed history in my epistemology has left me with very reductive ways to look at this conflict. I guess most of the world thinks this way now, with the soundbite-friendly internet and political erasure of histories, etc. But certain inalienable truths do come out.
Disproportional? Yeah. But I think what's more important is... If you need to kill a thousand to protect fifty, you only reveal a belief that the lives of your own are worth more than the lives of the other.
What a disgusting way to think. I remember hearing similar thoughts voiced by classmates in high school... When reflecting on the rich man's dilemma in La Barca Sin Pescador by Alejandro Casona (he was offered the choice to kill a poor man he didn't know far away, in exchange for wealth and power), they said, pretty flatly, that they would kill the man. Not only pretty fucked up, but it says so many other things.
A few other things before I'm done: I really don't know how a legitimate operation is conducted without basic, internationally-established humanitarian concerns. I don't understand how a successful operation is conducted without regard for public sentiment inside or outside Gaza. Shouldn't these be basics? Is anyone working for peace, instead of hit-me-I'll-hit-you-back?
Love is in a dire state.
Since middle school, I've always kept a respectful distance from the conflict(s) from which this arises. I've always known that there are truth and there are lies, that "both sides" disseminate their fair share, and (most complacently for me) these players all share in wrongdoing. (I forgive myself by thinking that these basic levels of understanding were just a function of my awkwardness receiving a liberal UWS education.) And then, I'd say, there was college. I tried much harder to get my information promptly, to be responsibly informed.
Which is why feeling the sharp pain of an occupied people is new and pretty unusual to me.
The lack of a developed history in my epistemology has left me with very reductive ways to look at this conflict. I guess most of the world thinks this way now, with the soundbite-friendly internet and political erasure of histories, etc. But certain inalienable truths do come out.
Disproportional? Yeah. But I think what's more important is... If you need to kill a thousand to protect fifty, you only reveal a belief that the lives of your own are worth more than the lives of the other.
What a disgusting way to think. I remember hearing similar thoughts voiced by classmates in high school... When reflecting on the rich man's dilemma in La Barca Sin Pescador by Alejandro Casona (he was offered the choice to kill a poor man he didn't know far away, in exchange for wealth and power), they said, pretty flatly, that they would kill the man. Not only pretty fucked up, but it says so many other things.
A few other things before I'm done: I really don't know how a legitimate operation is conducted without basic, internationally-established humanitarian concerns. I don't understand how a successful operation is conducted without regard for public sentiment inside or outside Gaza. Shouldn't these be basics? Is anyone working for peace, instead of hit-me-I'll-hit-you-back?
Love is in a dire state.
Friday, December 12, 2008
With everything going on,
I can't fathom why I don't blog more. Some things I've got to put down -
1. I'm discovering some really neat music... Common, Phoenix... In response to my discovering Q-Tip, Ryan says...yuppp
2. I'd love to revive Wormhole, the old Centerfleet that's gone dead since 2002. Too bad I don't know enough about coding and web development to do this. I'd love some help. It's totally possible. Just Google "centerfleet wormhole". Most of the hits are nostalgia for the game. And the data is still out there, FYI. I know where it is.
3. Going to Maryland and China this break. I'm a little nervous for both. I've got a whole itinerary planned for China by Baba, but I haven't looked closely enough. I feel like most of the stuff I'll just skip out on, in deference of my desire to just sleep. Maybe I'll need it this break. China will also be an adventure in nostalgia, much like all this Wormhole-related research. I haven't been (back) in six years!
P.S. It really feels weird to say "back". I'm not really going back to anywhere.
4. I can't believe I started playing Half-Life 2 and Portal this week, right before finals. Valve owes me maybe .2 that it stole from my GPA. Half-Life is a really fucking creepy franchise. It's special because it deserves a special place in dystopic science fiction, but I can't play that game without chills running up and down my body. Portal is absurdly funny. Can anyone still get into www.aperturescience.com?
5. Refrain from posting in the early, early morning. Just don't. Gawd.
1. I'm discovering some really neat music... Common, Phoenix... In response to my discovering Q-Tip, Ryan says...yuppp
oh david
we're winning you over
slowly and surely
2. I'd love to revive Wormhole, the old Centerfleet that's gone dead since 2002. Too bad I don't know enough about coding and web development to do this. I'd love some help. It's totally possible. Just Google "centerfleet wormhole". Most of the hits are nostalgia for the game. And the data is still out there, FYI. I know where it is.
3. Going to Maryland and China this break. I'm a little nervous for both. I've got a whole itinerary planned for China by Baba, but I haven't looked closely enough. I feel like most of the stuff I'll just skip out on, in deference of my desire to just sleep. Maybe I'll need it this break. China will also be an adventure in nostalgia, much like all this Wormhole-related research. I haven't been (back) in six years!
P.S. It really feels weird to say "back". I'm not really going back to anywhere.
4. I can't believe I started playing Half-Life 2 and Portal this week, right before finals. Valve owes me maybe .2 that it stole from my GPA. Half-Life is a really fucking creepy franchise. It's special because it deserves a special place in dystopic science fiction, but I can't play that game without chills running up and down my body. Portal is absurdly funny. Can anyone still get into www.aperturescience.com?
5. Refrain from posting in the early, early morning. Just don't. Gawd.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
In defense of giving a minimal shit about the flows of money
We hear many things. Unprecedented... lasting damage... catastrophic... historic... (life-altering?) I haven't lived long enough to put the stock of my life into the myriad forms of capital out there, so it is justified the case that I don't know what I don't give a shit about. Still, given the choice, I believe would sooner remove myself from such structures of society and "civilization" than move with the courses of material gain and loss while attempting my own pursuit of truth and a good life.
My net worth is not developed and my savings are insignificant. I don't anticipate approaching the limit of insured savings within the next ten or twenty years of my life. But the idea of accumulating what can be summed up in a few pixels on a LCD eludes me. Influence, I understand. Power, we can talk about. Wealth? ... And? What else can wealth mean?
My stance is not necessarily Marxist, but there are many things that can be touched on. I would argue that capital separates us from what we truly want to spend life pursuing, more than other people or our occupations or our time or ourselves. If we are inspired to spend the extent of our lives reaching for what is true, what makes us happy, or that in which we are exceptional, our own economies collude our visions.
If certain financial realities are collapsing in your world, you don't wonder about what to do. If you are principled, inspired and determined, the game does not change. You'll find another way.
(And so far, "employing the vernacular" has not been successful. Damn.)
My net worth is not developed and my savings are insignificant. I don't anticipate approaching the limit of insured savings within the next ten or twenty years of my life. But the idea of accumulating what can be summed up in a few pixels on a LCD eludes me. Influence, I understand. Power, we can talk about. Wealth? ... And? What else can wealth mean?
My stance is not necessarily Marxist, but there are many things that can be touched on. I would argue that capital separates us from what we truly want to spend life pursuing, more than other people or our occupations or our time or ourselves. If we are inspired to spend the extent of our lives reaching for what is true, what makes us happy, or that in which we are exceptional, our own economies collude our visions.
If certain financial realities are collapsing in your world, you don't wonder about what to do. If you are principled, inspired and determined, the game does not change. You'll find another way.
(And so far, "employing the vernacular" has not been successful. Damn.)
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